Are we Ready 4 Rishi FC?
- calebwatts007
- Jun 5, 2024
- 4 min read
In case you hadn't heard, Rishi Sunak loves football. But just how much?
Rishi Sunak, his father, and his mother all smile joyously as Southampton fans invade the St Mary’s pitch behind them in celebration of their victory against West Bromwich Albion. They’ve just booked their place in the play-off final. A trip to Wembley awaits.
It appears Rishi and his father have just raided the club shop, and are sporting the latest ‘Saints’ accoutrements: his father a match shirt over a collared shirt; Rishi a hoodie that reads ‘Saints 95’. His mother has opted for a more classic look – and simply joins our Prime Minister with a smile down the camera lens. Father Sunak is distracted, and has averted his gaze to behind the camera, perhaps concerned that a nearby ruffian would affect what so far is a wonderful image.
Floodlights, red and white smoke and the scenes of celebration. Cinematic wouldn’t be an overstatement. The fact the PM has decided to grab a quick photo before beginning his descent to the pitch to join the fans in the celebration truly is our treat.
Like everybody else, I saw this image on X (formerly Twitter) the next day when the PM posted it. The unconvinced minority, cynical doubters of our PM’s commitment to ‘his team’ and the beautiful game, were about to be swayed towards the light.
“Still buzzing. We’re going to Wembley! (insert emojis of football and beam note)”
- Rishi, the following day.
He just gets it. He’s even using lingo that the players and fans often use in moments of pure euphoria to describe his identical experience. When descriptive words have escaped you – this is the word to reach for. Buzzing. Even I, as a man who has used ‘buzzing’ way too often in my post-game interviews, chuckled a knowing laugh and nodded an appreciative nod of approval. My man. You’re in.
Rishi is buzzing. When asked by ITV News whether he would relocate to America if he were to lose the election his answer gave us a hint to just how buzzing he was. Have a guess at the first reason he offered.
Seriously, take a minute, and guess.
I’ll quote it.
“...this is my home. My football team just got promoted back into the Premiership and I hope to be watching them for years to come in the Premier League.”
Mr Sunak’s increasingly frequent mentions of football and his fondness of it aren’t always met with the glee and acceptance they should be. Some sections of the country see them as something more sinister, see our PM as a charlatan masquerading as a common football fan, trying desperately to ingratiate himself with a group that his government could be accused of letting down so heavily.
We can’t afford to pay our heating again? No worries love. I caught Rishi at the game yesterday and he said they’re working on it.
Anyway – given there seems to be interest from Rishi and the Conservatives to appeal more to people that go to football games, I’ve come up with an idea for a new policy. It could run alongside the inspired proposed National Service but, heartbreakingly, would mean that the Rwanda asylum plan may need to be parked. Probably not a bad thing though. Forcing a group of already traumatized and vulnerable asylum seekers onto a plane to an even more foreign, unknown, and unsafe land to the one they have already risked their lives to get to isn’t the best look. Assuming you like to identify as a human or country with any semblance of morality.
There is room to save face on this though. What if we use the estimated (1) £500 million on the Rwanda scheme for something else, not something boring like improving the workings of the existing asylum system, or spending it on public services that so desperately need it, but something better.
(The UK Supreme Court said it was unlawful anyway so we could spin it as listening to them or something silly like that.)
Reported figures on the ‘cost-per-person' that the Rwanda scheme amounts to vary but as per the figures in the attached article – the first 300 people to be deported will cost £1.8 million each.
(3)
Here comes the better, flashier, idea.
What if the UK bought a football team?
State-owned football clubs are not new, see Newcastle and PSG as examples. PSG are majority owned by government-backed investment fund Qatar Sports Investments and Newcastle are majority owned by Saudi Arabia’s public investment fund. Yes, the UK might not have the financial muscle to throw around like the two mentioned countries but, at £1.8 million per player, Rishi FC (name tbc) would be able to be competitive in some decent leagues.
(All money stats are as per transfermrkt)
For example, West Bromwich Albion, the team that Rishi’s beloved Southampton triumphed over on the way to play-off glory have a first team squad with 29 players which is valued at around £43.8. This works out to around £1.5m per player.
So, if you operate on the assumption that big investment=success, Rishi FC could’ve been competing for Premier League status.
Ipswich’s £41m(ish) squad of 31 players won automatic promotion to the Premier League – Rishi's budget would have dwarfed theirs.
The UK’s state-owned team would’ve been comfortably the best funded team in League One.
In 1999, Rishi could’ve outbid West Ham and managed to bring in Paolo Di Canio. They got him for £1.5m from Sheffield Wednesday.
In 91 they could’ve got Eric Cantona instead of Manchester United – who moved for £1.2m from Leeds.
Although the budget would be too small to compete in any of Europe’s top 5 leagues, the Championship (as Rishi will know) is a league that will have you on the edge of your seat from start to finish. And it wouldn’t just be all fun. A victory in the play off final, like Southampton have just achieved, is extremely lucrative. Reports suggest the increase in revenue is between £135m to £265m depending on whether the club can avoid relegation or not. (2) Any profit the team can generate could be reinvested back into the country!
So how about it Rishi? Cancel the flights and invest in a club?
We’d all be buzzing, mate.
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